Just Tired
by BlueRam1409
Summary: "Post 12" fic. Mami has always been willing to pay her price for becoming a magical girl, but the demons that plaque her world are never ending. Now she's finds that she's just...tired.


"Look out!" Kyouko yelled. She thrust out her spear. It deflected the demon's strike before it reached Mami's back.

When Mami turned around, she looked surprised. It was like she'd forgotten they were in a battle.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Kyouko yelled. She pivoted and whirled to knock another demon away. "Don't go spacing out on me in the middle of a fight!"

Mami gave a weak grin. "Sorry" was all she said. She raised a pair of muskets and fired at a pair of demons lurking outside of Kyouko's range. "I don't know what's wrong...I'm just...tired...I guess."

Just tired? That was an understatement. She was exhausted. The demons had been multiplying like madness itself. It seemed to Mami that everytime three or four were taken care of, twice that many would spring up out of nowhere.

But it made sense in a way...this was her life now. This was how it had always been. She was one of the few who had been blessed with the power to protect everyone else from the demons that skulked in the night. Those demons that haunted humanity hoping to pray on unfortunate souls. It was her job to stop them. She would be free if they stopped appearing.

But they would never stop appearing. Not as long as humankind still had curses that lingered. The curses would never end. The demons would never stop. She would never be free.

Free to do what though? She didn't really have any hobbies that she could think of...not unless slaying demons counted. It wasn't something she enjoyed the way Kyouko seemed to, so she supposed it didn't. This was her duty. She had to do it because no one could, whether she liked it or not.

What did she like? Mami thought back to what she'd done to fill those small spaces of peace and quiet with. She'd mostly watched movies or television, but there was school work that always needed doing too. School wasn't really a hobby, but it was important. She'd need to be able to get a decent job once she was done being a magical girl.

The thought was a hollow one. It was never a question of "if" she would stop being a magical girl. It would end someday. The real question was if it would be by her own choice. She'd known a few girls who had stopped...although none of them had done so of their own volition.

"You idiot! I said stop spacing out!"

Kyouko's sharp words snapped Mami back to reality. A demon was lurching toward her, it's masked face obscured by a gaping, slobbering mouth.

In one fluid motion, Mami slid a musket down her sleeve and shot the demon in the forehead, point blank. Like all of the other demons before it, the creature pixilated and fell apart until a small black cube bounced to the ground. It made a 'tink' every time it hit the floor.

Mami turned to give Kyouko a grin. She was okay. There was no foul.

"Not that one you idiot!"

She barely had time to see the one Kyouko meant. She tried to leap away, but she was sent flying across the floor and slammed into a wall. Her head lolled.

Everything went black.

Nearby, Kyouko cursed as she thrust her spear through the demon and ripped its midsection apart. She spun and used the follow through to knock off its head for good measure. That took care of that one.

She looked around. There were still ten or twelve more. If it had only been a quarter of that, she would've taken care of it easily. Kyouko could hear her own teeth grinding. With this many left and Mami out of commission, she wasn't left with much choice.

Kyouko grabbed Mami's limp figure and left the demon's circle, the area that demons sealed off to confuse and trap unsuspecting passerbys.

She hated running away from a battle, but she wasn't an idiot. There wasn't a damn thing she could do for Mami if she went and got herself killed.

When she passed through the barrier the cool night air washed over her like water. She ran and leapt for a few more blocks before stopping at a park. She sat Mami down on a park bench. Mami's outfit had dissipated into her school uniform.

Kyouko sniffed disapprovingly and let her own outfit fade away to the familiar hoodie and shorts she always wore. Without the heat of battle to keep her occupied, the cool air across her midriff gave her goosebumps. But it was still better than what Mami was in.

Who was Mami kidding? Was she still playing at being a regular kid with regular school stuff to do?

She didn't see the point, really. As far as Kyouko was concerned, school was a waste of time once you became a magical girl. If you were smart you could live long enough to regret not finishing school, but most girl weren't and didn't. It was much better to just live life however the hell you wanted until you croaked. There was already so little time for yourself without trying to cram school into the mix.

That was just common sense.

Absent mindedly, Kyouko reached to her back pocket for a box of gummies and was surprised to find that they weren't there. Her face paled when she realized that they had probably fallen out back in the demon's circle.

"Awww, damn it," she cursed. It wasn't just the gummies. She'd forgotten an entire knapsack full of snacks in that damn area. Just to save the ass of a girl who'd messed up a job even a rookie should've been able to handle.

She looked at the blonde-haired girl who lay on the bench. Mami was breathing regularly. A good sign. That smack to the wall would hurt, but Kyouko had seen her friend take worse hits than that.

Kyouko sighed and rubbed the back of her head. Her friend, huh? It'd been that way when they first met, but only recently had they started speaking to each other again. And it had only been because of that other idiot girl...

She shook her head. No. She wasn't going to think about it right now. That was the past. She needed to live for the now. It didn't matter what had happened or who she had lost. Not even if it was her...

"No!" Kyouko slapped her face with both hands. "I'm not going to get sad right now! Right now, I'm angry!" She looked at Mami and rested a foot on the edge of the bench before crossing her arms in a huff.

"It's because you had to be an idiot that we had to bail tonight! We could have beaten them and gotten a sweet haul, but you had to turn into a space cadet so we couldn't even get the hearts for the ones we DID beat! AND you made me forget my gummies!"

She kicked the bench with her heel. The bench must have been bolted to the ground because her foot just bounced off the metal frame with a "klang".

"I'm sorry..."

Kyouko jumped at the whisper.

Mami stirred, gingerly touching her face before resting slowly massaging her forehead. Her eyes were still closed, but her head tilted away in shame all the same.

Glad that Mami hadn't seen her set a new high jump record, Kyouko hid her flushed embarrassment by seizing the initiative.

"What the hell was wrong with you tonight?" she demanded. "And not just tonight, you've been like this for a couple of weeks now! You weren't like this before!"

A couple of weeks? That was being kind. Mami had been slipping for almost a month now. Kyouko was sure the only reason the idiot was still alive was because she'd been there to save her ass every time it got into a jam.

"I'm sorry," was all Mami said weakly. She didn't say anything after that. It irked Kyouko.

"I'm sorry?! That's all you have to say?" Kyouko grabbed Mami's collar and pulled her upright. "Do you think all you have to do is say "I'm sorry" and everything's suddenly okay? "I'm sorry" doesn't keep us from getting killed by the demons! "I'm sorry" doesn't make the fights easier. "I'm sorry" doesn't bring HER back!"

There was no need for Kyouko to say who she meant by "her".

There was a sniff.

"I'm sorry..." Mami repeated. "I don't know what's wrong...I don't...I'm supposed to be stronger. I supposed to be able to handle it...But no matter how many times I tell myself to hold it together I just...can't..." She sniffed again.

Kyouko tried to hold onto her frustration, but it was futile. She sighed. There's nothing to be done about it now. Especially now that Mami was on the verge of crying like a baby. Instead, she leaned down and helped Mami stand up, albeit unsteadily.

"C'mon," Kyouko said softly. "Let's just go home tonight. I can always get my gummies back tomorrow."

For someone who'd lived alone, Mami's home was ridiculously well furbished. Kyouko could never figure out how the girl afforded everything. Maybe she was sitting on some sort of inheritance. Mami was classy enough for that to make sense.

They sat at Mami's table, not really speaking to each other except to ask for napkins or various small talks. Normally it was Mami's job to do the cooking, but she hadn't been up to it when they got home. That left it up to Kyouko to come up with dinner.

She'd never been one to bother with the hassle of actually making food, but you could get some good stuff if you knew what brands to find.

Kyouko slurped the last of her cup ramen. She eyed Mami as she reached for one of the curry plates. Mami was eating, but she was doing it slowly with a half-glazed look in her eyes.

"Are you even tasting it?" Kyouko asked, snapping her chopsticks.

Mami didn't respond. She just sat there staring at her bowl and slowly moving her hands.

"Hey! Did ya' hear me?"

Mami jerked and looked at Kyouko in surprise. "Huh? Oh...yes. Yes, the food is quite nice," she said. The forced smile was almost too much. "Thank you for picking up dinner."

Kyouko frowned. Maybe she was being too brash about this.

"I also got us a cake for dessert," she said as she spooned herself a mouthful of curry. She kept talking despite the food muffling some words. "From that bakery you like so much. Ichi-ban, right?"

Mami blinked. "Oh?" she asked. "I didn't know Ichi-ban made cakes."

Now it was Kyouko's turn to blink. She spoke slowly, not sure if Mami was trying to be funny or not. "Ya...they do. They sell cake rolls, just like other bakeries do."

A look of realization slowly crept over Mami's face. She flushed slightly. "Oh...of course. I must have forgotten...sorry..."

That did it. Kyouko slammed down her spoon. The table shook.

"Mami, what's wrong? You've been acting like a space case for almost a month now! You're never all here, and you're closer to getting yourself killed out there! You aren't like this! I know you said you're "supposed" to be stronger, but you're already brave, and strong, and way too smart to know what happens to magical girls who lose it. What's wrong?"

A moment passed before Mami spoke. "It's nothing..." she said. "I'm just tired is all..."

Before Kyouko could pry into the details, Mami stood up.

"Thank you for the meal," she said, smoothing out her skirt. "I think I'll retire early tonight. Please, go ahead and enjoy your cake. I'll save my piece for tomorrow." And with that, Mami left a gaping Kyouko at the table.

Kyouko's fist shook. She would have made another contract just to defy physics and flip the table without spilling food everywhere. Just what was Mami playing at? She was tired? What the hell did that even mean? They'd both been exhausted before, pushed to the brink of collapse in some battles. But Mami had always been the level headed leader.

What the hell was wrong?

Mami pulled the pink top over her head. Her curls were completely undone, the magic holding their shape in place had long since dissipated. Her hair had some natural curl of its own though, and it fell in waves on her shoulders.

Despite what she'd said, she wasn't quite ready to go to sleep just yet. She should have. They'd have to be up early tomorrow if they had any hope of tracking the demon's circle down before the trail grew cold. But her attention wandered around her room until she saw the CD case lying on her bedside table.

She let herself fall onto the bed and reached over to examine the familiar case. It was a classical import. Mami could have sworn she'd heard of the composer before Sayaka lent it to her, but all that memory did was tickle the back of her mind. The memory of Sayaka, the magical girl who had given everything for the boy she loved.

Mami curled herself into a ball. She cradled the CD case like a child would hold their stuffed bear. She'd known what the price for being a magical girl was. She'd known it the whole time. It didn't end at the contract. It ended when you could no longer give your body to protect humanity from the demons that lurked in the night.

For the longest time she could live with that fact. For the longest time she could deal with death as a reality she had to face every time she went into battle. It was never a question of if she would do it. She had to. Who else was there? Even without a family of her own to protect she still had a duty to go out there and do her best. She needed to protect the other families that would be heartbroken to learn that someone they loved was spirited away, never to be seen again.

But the battles were never ending. Demons were born from the curses of humanity, just as magical girls were born from their miracles. It wouldn't matter if she'd killed tens of thousands by this point, there would be hundreds of millions more for ages to come. More girls would make the contract, and more girls would die thinking the exact same thoughts that she was thinking now.

They would realize that they were no longer their own person, but defined by the duty they were chained to. Doomed to work tirelessly for the safety and well being of others. And they would do so willingly. Because there was no one else.

They would be just as tired as she was.

The door slammed open, giving Mami a start.

Kyouko stepped toward the bed. Her face was twitching in agitation. Suddenly, there was a scramble as the red-haired girl jumped on the bed.

Before Mami could realize what was going on, Kyouko had pinned her down against the soft mattress. Her wrists sank into the cushion as Kyouko's hands gripped them firmly. Not tight enough to hurt, but even if Mami hadn't been too surprised to think of wriggling them away, she doubted she actually could have.

"What the hell's going on?!" Kyouko demanded. "And don't give me any of this "I'm tired" bull either! People aren't "just tired" when they're crying!"

Mami blinked and she could feel tears stinging her eyes that she hadn't noticed before. She shook her head to try and shake them off, but Kyouko misunderstood what she meant.

"Mami! We can't keep doing this!" Now the other girl's grip was starting to hurt. "If you keep going out there like this, then I can't keep saving your sorry ass!"

Something wet fell on Mami's already moist cheek.

"Don't you get it, you idiot?" Kyouko sniffed. "Why won't you tell me what's wrong? If you tell me, then I might be able to help you...but if you don't, you're just going to keep acting stupid...and I'll lose you just like I lost...her..."

Mami gave a small sniff herself. "I'm so-"

"AND NO MORE APOLOGIZING!" Kyouko shouted.

Mami flinched at the other girl's roar.

Kyouko breathed heavily for a moment before realizing what she had done.

"I'm sorry," Kyouko said, lowering her face until it touched Mami's forehead. Kyouko's voice was a whisper now. "You don't have to apologize for anything so just...just don't, okay?"

Mami slowly nodded in understanding.

Slowly, Kyouko's hands loosened their grip on Mami's wrists and slid underneath her back. She could feel how hot Kyouko's face was against her breasts.

She felt like a lump, lying there in her pajamas while the younger girl sniffled atop of her. Mami felt like she was supposed to say something just then...but what? It took her a few moments to think about it. The quiet of the room was broken only by an occasional sniff from one of them, with it never being clear if it came from her or Kyouko.

Then she remembered something Kyouko had said earlier. At last, Mami brought her own arms around and gently stroked the girl's hair.

"I'm not that brave or strong," she admitted. She thought she could feel herself smiling a bit. "I'm just trying my best to make it through each battle...and to make sure no one else has to go through what we did. There's nothing brave or strong about just getting through the day. I used to think it was worth it just to keep living, that'd I'd been given a wonderful gift when Kyubey found me..."

If a smile had been there, it vanished then. "But lately...everything feels dead to me...life doesn't shine like it used to...so much of my life has become fighting and losing...I find myself wondering...if there's any difference at all now between life...and no life at all..."

Kyouko's head sprung up so quickly Mami didn't have time to blink before she felt a large thud against her own forehead. She winced in pain.

"Again with my head..." Mami said as she furiously rubbed the sore spot. "What was that for?"

"For being an idiot," Kyouko replied. She was staring at Mami with a furrowed brow. "Of COURSE there's a difference between being living and being dead! And if you feel like you'd rather BE dead then we need to fix that!"

Mami just stared. Fix it? What was she talking about? They couldn't just "fix" the universe and get rid of the demons. She'd think anyone else who said that was clinically insane.

Kyouko didn't wait for Mami to voice her objections.

"What do you do all day? And I mean besides fighting the demons. You go to school of all things! Do you know how much of your life that place eats? You're already fighting demons full time! You know what would be so much better for you than stressing about tests? Having some fun!"

What was this girl going on about? Surely, she couldn't be serious.

"Let's go out!" Kyouko shouted.

Clearly the girl had gone off the deep end. Inexplicably, the thought made Mami giggle. Kyouko was the one who'd gone crazy? Wasn't she the one who had just said life didn't feel too different from death?

Kyouko seemed to blush a little at Mami's laugh. Her eyes even slid away.

"I didn't mean it like that, you idiot," Kyouko said. She wasn't shouting, but she still sounded irritated. "I mean...let's go out and do something to make your life less miserable. If you keep walking through life like you're half asleep, then that really is the same thing as being dead."

There was a pause, a moment of hesitation from Kyouko before she continued. "I'll give you a reason to live...and a reason to keep fighting with everything you've got." Her words were slower now, less sure. "Life...is worth living, Mami. It's a miracle that we're alive. I know we've lost some friends, but that just means we have more reason to live than anyone else! So...please..."

It came out so softly. Kyouko was crying now, not just sniffing, but actually crying. Mami had never known Kyouko to cry. How long had the poor girl been holding this in for? More amazing still, Kyouko had carried this weight and kept fighting, tooth and nail. Compared to Kyouko, Mami had been ready to accept any failure as her way out...

Mami wrapped her arms around the girl again and held more tightly.

"Shhhh," she cooed as she stroked Kyouko's hair. "It's okay. I'm not going to leave you. I...I'm still going to attend school." She paused, considering why she should. "I...still have friends there, friends who would worry about me if disappeared...just like I'd be worried if something happened to you. I'm sorry."

Kyouko didn't respond.

For a while, it seemed like all either one of them could do was hold the other, glad just to have someone to hold onto. However long it was, it was broken by a low groan from Mami's stomach. She flushed and looked away.

Kyouko snorted.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have much of an appetite before..." Mami admitted sheepishly. "I guess it's caught up with me. I don't suppose the cake is still there, is it?"

She heard Kyouko snickering as the arms around her back tightened.

"Ya, it's still there," Kyouko said. "I was so mad before that I couldn't finish eating. So I guess we're both getting second dinner tonight...oh! And a movie! We can watch one of your movies tonight, okay? And we'll have tea with it too! We'll make a night out of it, okay?"

Mami smiled and returned the light giggling as she nodded her head.

Well, Kyouko could have her second dinner. At that moment she had something else to look forward to, something actually worth getting out of her bed for. Silently, as Kyouko left her arms and headed for the door, Mami hoped that there would be more nights like this. Nights where she could look forward to more than just a meal and a quiet night alone. And mornings. She hoped that there would be more mornings where she could look forward to waking up for a day filled with whatever Kyouko had planned.

Silently, and unbeknownst to even herself, she hoped that every morning and night could be spent looking forward to Kyouko helping her live life.


End file.
